can't sleep

It is 2:30 in the morning, I can't sleep because I have a million thoughts going through my head. I am hoping if I get them out maybe my pillow will allow me the rest I really need.

 

Sometimes life sucks. Life goes by and all of a sudden and, through no fault of your own,  you get a rock in the windshield that is nothing but a hindrance and you have to stop and take care of it.

 

Someone broke into my house last week. Nothing but money was taken, but to a small 9 year old, her $5 was the world. Sleepless nights, my bed that is only built for two becomes a nesting place for those under the age of 12. More was taken that afternoon than money. and I am not sure how to get it back. I need to get it back.

 

This past Saturday my dad was admitted into the hospital. I was the one who called and made sure he made there. He was acting odd,  not all together there. He was confused, difficult, and very weak. It turned into a big ordeal and I have to admit I came away from it with almost the same feeling I had the weekend before. My secure safe world seemed to be crumbling. Here is this giant of  a man in my life, someone whom I embarrassingly admit is kind of a Superman, weak and confused and needing the help of others. I realized that I am really not ready to grow up. I am not ready for my parents, my dad, to be old. I watched it happen to my grandfather and how hard it was for him to relinquish his independence and my heart breaks that my dad will  slowly have to give up his. But that is the downside to growing old. To growing up, to life.

 

And we all face it. Growing up.

 To letting our children drive,

 go on missions,

date,

 get married.

 even go to school for the first time. 

 Normally I would hide myself under my covers and sleep it off. Or get lost in a book and not think about it. But I can't sleep. And I last about 5 minutes before I put the book down.

 

maybe that is it. By letting go I am admitting I am getting older. I am loosing a part of my life that brings me comfort and safety. And I need to realize it is still there, it's form is changing, being altered. And like my dad I need to adapt and accept it all.

 

Patience and time.

Ironically I am opposed to both.

 

 Life is full of little milestones and in order for us to grow we need to accomplish all of them.  I admit I am struggling with these and a few others but I will get through them. And if I am lucky, I will get some sleep while accomplishing these tasks!

 

And on that note, I have two hours till I need to be getting band kids up so I think I will try to get some more sleep.

 

Good night